I Am Not Ok..

How am I doing?

That’s a question I get asked a couple times a week. It’s a question I can’t answer in just one sentence, but I will answer in one sentence. My answer is always, “I’m blessed and I’m hanging in there.”

Truth is, I am barely hanging in there.

Through all I am going through I am STILL blessed beyond measures and I am hanging in there, but I’m barely hanging.

I am not ok.

Everyday I fight a battle with grief. Everyday I am remind of the precious soul that left me. Everyday I am faced with flashbacks of his crucial days in the hospital. Everyday I am faced with the guilt of what else I could have done to keep him here. Everyday I find myself fussing at a man that is no longer alive, as to why he left.

I am not ok.

Daily I place blame on a man as to why he isn’t here for his two kids. And in reality I know he had no control over the situation. Truth is I’d feel like such a sinful person if I was to blame God for it, so why not blame my deceased husband. Most days I find myself hid away from everyone to cry out in anger. Most of those days it happens in the shower. If they were to see me they’d think it was just water, right?

I am not ok.

Life the last couple of years have been hard with my two oldest children. They are fighting their own battles with grief and sometimes it puts them against me. Those are my worst days. Those are the days where I have to hear, “I wish it was you instead of daddy,” or “I wish I could die and go be with my daddy.” Those are the days that bring me to my knees emotionally. Days where I have to drown myself in prayers for strength from God.

I am not ok.

I live day to day watching my husband now get a little closer to death as each minute passes. Some days he’s extremely sick and looks like death. Those are the days I have to get to myself and beg God over and over again not to take him today.

I am not ok.

Everyday my schedule is so crowded its overlapping. I am running from doctor’s appointments, to hospitals, to school events, church, and now extracurricular activities for the kids. Do I mind it? Nope not one bit. Why? Because it keeps me busy. In fact it keeps me so busy that here lately most days I don’t have time to fall apart.

But I am not ok.

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. My body is tired from trying to keep up with my busy schedule. My mind is tired from having to remember everything. I am emotionally tired from holding everything in.

So when you ask me “How are you doing” and I reply with, “I’m blessed and I’m hanging in there.” Just know that when you read between the lines, you will find that I am not ok but I’m blessed to be living and I could surely use some prayer.