As I sit here waiting for my husband to return from surgery my mind is going back through the last month and a half. How I have soaked in every single thing I could possibly keep burned in my brain before it is destroyed.
Destroyed by chemotherapy.
Now don’t get me wrong chemotherapy can have a good side effect with everyday life, but majority of the time you got to deal with the downfall of it before the good results come, if they come.
When I even think of that “poison” being pumped into my husband for a second round, I literally cringe. I can not watch it for the life of me.
Once again the life we know now will soon be on hold because of chemotherapy. So in the meantime I remember every detail and soak it.
I literally soak every. Single. Bit. In.
His get up and go will soon be slowed down. The energy he puts in running down the road after our son in his gator, will more than likely be replaced with me running and him slow pacing behind us. The urge he has to cook breakfast, start supper before I could even think about something to cook, do laundry, or joke around with our two oldest kids will be at a hault because like before he’s going to have days where he can’t even move. I keep in mind the countless times I see him munching on something because I know chemotherapy will cause him to vomit at the smell of food. With every chance I get I play in his hair or rub his beard as if he’s just a playful puppy because I know once the poison is in his body his beautiful hair will soon be gone.
I take advantage of the times I can kiss him anytime I want to because as soon as that harmful toxins is pushed through his body even I have to take precautions.
It can be absolutely heartbreaking!
I have to say “no” more times than one to our kids. “No you can’t love daddy until he showers.” “No you can’t eat after him.” “No don’t drink his drink.” “Daddy don’t feel good.” Or here’s one I use a good bit, “you gotta be quiet daddy’s asleep.”
And don’t get me started on how it makes him even feel, physically, emotionally, and mentally. That’s something I just can’t talk about at the moment.
Chemotherapy is harmful to the body, but while it is harmful it can also be so helpful. Like the first round, it shrunk the tumors drastically, but his body went through alot. It was only for a short time. It doesnt help permanently. This time it doesn’t seem so hopeful from the doctor’s point of view, but my hope is in Jesus.
Until he starts chemotherapy in a few days I will continue to soak everything in I possibly can. And when the chemotherapy starts to slowly change our “normal” life I will still enjoy what I can and stay hopeful that what will change, will return back to normal.
Cancer sucks!
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